A moment of reflection

I have to remind myself, and others, why I found Doctor Who so inspiring for me.  I can already hear the sighs from people who don't want to hear me fangirl some more, but on an emotional scale, Doctor Who changed my life.  It's helped me heal.

I remember going through the 10th Doctor's seasons for the first time.  I felt so much like him: alone, feeling like I didn't deserve to be happy, that everything I touched died and that what I do is for the best for everyone even when it hurts me the most. 

At the same time, whenever he went cold and stoic, completely disregarding his own saftey and others' for the sake of his selfishness (The Waters of Mars), I saw myself in him too.  Because so many times in my life, dealing with clinical depression, I've wanted to reach through time and change it all.  I had a deep urge to just completely fuck everything and destroy anyone who disagreed with me.  I wanted to go to the persons' houses and shoot them dead.  Literally.  But I didn't.  Because I realized my mistakes and moved on. 

Everyone and their mother knows I'm head over heals for David Tennant and his portrayal of the Doctor, but he is so important to me for this character's ability to tug at my heart and connect with him in a very profound way.  Sometimes I hate how much I can relate to him.  I think the 10th Doctor had depression, too, in a way.  I like to tell myself that.  Makes me feel like I'm not going crazy.  That others know what I feel and won't think I'm mental.

I get irritated when people tease me about my love for his character, too, even when I joke back.  Because I love him with all of my heart and it's so important for me to see his progression and help me realize that everything is worth it.  That I'm okay, even when everything around me feels like it's collapsing.

I think people need to know this.  If I could meet DT one day, I'll tell him that, though he'll probably put a restraining order against me for it.  Either way, I'm so thankful to have discovered this show, and go through this journey with the Doctor.  I'm thankful that I fell in love with him as much as most people already have. 

And there.  That's my sappy journal for the month.